有多少曲折轻轻哼着 抚平了

2 weeks of work!

And I haven’t really integrated myself into the work place and people. It seems to be much harder than expected. I guess I can only give it a bit more time and hope everything goes well.

There’s plenty more to be said regarding these two weeks but guess I don’t have the energy and mentality to go into them.

On a side note, the new album by 孙燕姿 is very comfortable and pleasant to listen to. It’s easy for me to blank out and just drift along with the music and lyrics, and I like that.

渴

我听着 时间的沙像首歌
有多少曲折轻轻哼着 抚平了

起风了 天空一片灰灰的
有多寂寞呢
我在路口眺望着 舍不舍

在追逐中追逐着 才懂漫步的渴
当握紧的手松了 伤愈合
在孤独中孤独着 才懂安静的渴
当我卸下了颜色 璀璨了
还计算什么 爱何曾干涸

时间偷走了些什么 却又留下些什么
回头就迷失了当刻
走着 我就这样走着
穿越生命的沼泽 会遇见你的

计算什么 爱何曾干涸

手松了 伤愈合
卸下了 就璀璨了
手松了 伤愈合
卸下了 就璀璨了

OVER THE LINE

Starting work in 1 day’s time! I’m actually quite ready to start work, certainly had enough of lazing around at home. The only thing that I worry about is whether I can fit in with my colleagues there =X

Just when I thought I have made my decision and that things can finally come to a conclusion, I took a step over the line and I saw the tangled paths and towering obstacles spreading out into the horizon in front of me.

I feel as if I have put into motion, a process that I can no longer predict and preempt. It’s a mix of fear and anticipation, hope and worries all at the same time. I have no idea what the outcome will be, but I know it will be one that I am personally responsible for, that I sought to make happen by my choice and actions.

It is in that, that we put our faith, and rest our case.

SELF

There are some songs that I have heard or liked for quite some time even though I do not fully understand the lyrics and the meaning of the song.

陈绮贞 <Self> was one of them. Actually I must admit most of her lyrics are a little too abstract and deep for me to comprehend fully. The song came up on my KKBOX playlist and I realized that I could appreciate what the song was trying to convey (or at least my interpretation of her thoughts/ideas in the lyrics).

It will take some time to explain my take on the lyrics but I will not be doing so. Some things are simply easier to experience than to explain. And some experiences may or may not come to pass, depending on your individual circumstances and choices. To each his own.

Un-real

3 interviews in 2 days! At least I’m going for interviews rather than sitting at home waiting for stuff to happen. I think I did pretty well for one of the interviews but I am trying not to get my hopes up, in case I end up with a huge disappointment.

<a rant-filled paragraph on the horrors of some interviewers have been deleted so that I do not posit myself as an unsatisfied disgruntled fresh grad who’s complaining about employers with their self-indulgent ideals of potential employees, and the self-perception of the depressingly depressed market rate of starting pay for fresh grad, and all these despite the fact that I do acknowledge that I have little to no relevant job experience>

I hate it when I ‘m forced to fit myself into the image of the ideal employee of an interviewer, cause I’m really not that kind of person. That has been, is and probably will continue to be my main reason for hating interviews.

也许我虚假如玻璃倒影 也许我真实如桌上尘埃

UNEMPLOYMENT

Unemployed for 1 month and 6 days now.
I think it’s not that bad a situation, but it doesn’t mean that I’m not worried about it.

On good days: “I should take my time and find a good job that pays well and suits my interests. I will find it eventually.”

On ok days: “Ok, no job yet. But it’s ok, I just need to continue searching and the companies will contact me soon.”

On less-than-good days: “How come the companies never get back to me? There’s nothing on my phone and in my email at all…”

On bad days: “How come nobody wants to hire me? What if I can’t find a job?!”

On absolutely horrible days: “My life sucks. What’s wrong with me?" *goes into depression mode*

Sometimes I feel that it’s just feels sooooo difficult to live my life, when I find myself moving from restlessness to anxiety to hope to depression to self-assurance and then the cycle starts again. And sometimes I will think that so-and-so is so lucky, he/she is smart/outstanding/lucky/has scholarship/took a sure-get-job course, they don’t have to struggle like me now. But I also know that these are just excuses and selfish thoughts that I’m using to make myself feel better, and that I’m not being fair to them and myself for thinking that way. It’s just a way of coping.

Just to mention, I was actually feeling rather inspired and hopeful cause I found 3 new jobs to apply for. And I’m hoping it will last for a while more.

I actually have a few more issues/rants to blog about but I think I will end here for tonight, cause I’m not really feeling very “fluent” at the moment and it’s probably not going to come out right, so that’s it for now.

陈绮贞 - 流浪者之歌

我的肩膀 背记忆的包裹
流浪到大树下终于解脱
希望若是有 绝望若是有
不要像 风吹过连痕迹都不留

我的双脚 太沉重的枷锁
越不过 曾经犯的每个错
希望若是有 绝望若是有
怎么会 换不回最初的承诺

撑住我 落叶离开后频频回头
撑住我 止不住的坠落
撑住我 让我真正停留
拥抱你 作完一场美梦

撑住我 狂风暴雨我都不逃脱
撑住我 为你挡下所有诅咒
撑住我 眼泪不再流
拥抱你 做完一场美梦

快乐若是有 伤心若是有
眼泪灌溉 不枉爱过

对将来的思索

1 more paper to go!

but I guess there’s still a long road ahead after that.

 

有些事情不值得我去揣测 去想象 去期盼 去裁决

未来会经过怎样的风景

就让那一时那一刻的我去体验和斟酌

呼吸

吸一口气
是为了什麽而执着
放一口气
放弃却拥有了什麽

空气间散落的残缺
拼出了时间的源流
在最寂静的此刻
等待明天的溪流
一步一步的踌躇
一丝一丝的呼吸

吸一口气
是为了世界而执着
放一口气
放弃才拥有的宇宙

UNWRITING

Sometimes it’s so hard to form words and sentences from the jumble of thoughts and ideas in my head. Even when I finally manage to get something down, there’s no guarantee that I will eventually finish and post it up. There’s a possibility (and I must admit I have done it countless times) that I will delete everything and restart or give up on trying to blog altogether. It could be that I realized I have been writing inconsequential stuff that do not need to be posted, or that I have been throwing out nonsense right from the start, or that what’s written is taboo/not suitable for posting here, or I simply didn’t know how to end it. There’s essentially lots of different possibilities or reasons to explain this, but that’s not really my main point here.

For all that has been written, somehow I always felt that it’s a waste to delete them just like that. Nonsense or not, they were all processed in the brain and converted into “tangible” forms through typing. Of course I’m skipping lots of intermediate processes and steps here, because that’s not really something I want to focus on right now. I guess, the main point is that on the superficial level, at least some efforts (doesn’t matter if it’s big or small) has been made to write them out.

And isn’t it like what we always do on a daily basis? Whenever we start something and when we hit a bump halfway down the road, how do you decide to continue or to give up and simply sweep everything under the rug? Is it based on a cost and benefit analysis when you simply decide based on the extent/magnitudes of the future outcomes or is it based on a consideration of what has been committed in the past? Obviously the ideal answer should be to take both ways into consideration and reach a conclusion based on that, but I guess it’s not that easy since we can’t put a value or measure the factors accurately. 

CURRENTLY

Haven’t had much time to blog since the semester started. Other than CP taking up lots of time and energy, I can’t really say I was really that busy that I didn’t have any free time at all. It’s more like I was just mechanically finishing one thing and moving on to the next. Nowadays it feels like I’m just doing and nothing else – kind of like the “there but not there”, and I’m just doing and doing and there’s nothing else under all that “doing”. Probably means it’s about time to get out of uni, although I’m not sure what’s there to look forward to after I start work.

In an attempt to lengthen the blog post and simply illustrate the boredom and general state of unwillingness that I am in, I shall attempt to describe my current state of motivation.

My level of motivation for everything and anything right now:

1) about the same as squatting on the ground and plucking at grass randomly

2) about the same as opening and minimizing the browser immediately a hundred times

3) perhaps slightly less than throwing pebbles randomly into a pond

4)  less than wanting to write a proper blog post

Yes, that’s it, cause I’m too lazy to think of anymore examples. I wonder if this is the most uninspired and disorganized post I have ever done – probably not I guess.

这世界不过是个找不到答案的执着

THE WORLD AND ITS NONSENSE

I watched Life of Pi and thought “How can he believe?”. But I chose the 1st story, knowing that it’s not my correct answer, just because I refuse to deny the “existence” of the first story. It seems quite ridiculous to  choose the second story, because by doing so, you just denied the value of your time spent watching/reading a story that you believe to be false.

I went for reservist and at the end, thought “It’s just that there’s always 2 sides to everything”. On the morning of 21st Dec 2012, I was standing by my subpar shellscrap and craving for a proper place to sit down and stone, but it was all muddy and wet around me, so I have to stand throughout the whole time and converse intermittently with those in my section. I was properly waiting for the world to end in an exciting manner. though I  knew it was not going to happen. To be honest, the company wasn’t too bad and I met some nice people during this reservist, but I guess it was just a little depressing in the end.

I thought “there’s such a thing as a pressure to be happy”. No matter who you are or what your life is, people expect you to be happy. I guess it’s just natural and part of the way we are made to be. But I hate it when people take that expectation, and made it such that it should be that you have to make the people around you happy.

Of course the world will be a much better place if everyone is happy and smiling all the time. But since the world isn’t perfect and people are full of flaws all over, I don’t really see why we must pursue this pressure to be happy.

After 24 years, I still find myself tripping over the same problem all the time. It’s a cycle that I’m starting to get used to, which may or may not be a bad thing. I’m going to be 25 next year and the world will continue to have more and more expectations for me, of which it is required that I continued to participate in such nonsense so everyone will have a good time ahead.

Su I guess I will just sit here and wait for 2013 to arrive. Happy New Year everyone.

END OF DANGAN RONPA

After being locked out from the Let’s Play forums for about a month or more, it’s finally open for non-members to visit again!

And that was how I was able to finish the rest of Dangan Ronpa all at one go. On hindsight, I guess it’s good to be able to finish it in one sitting, because it would be extremely difficult to end on a cliff-hanger each time and wait for the next weekly update, not when it’s so close to the ending and we are unraveling the truth behind the game.

For the game itself, now that I finished reading through the LP thread and gotten a better picture of what the entire game is about, I must say it’s a good attempt at trying to be epic. Similar to 9 Hours, 9 Persons, 9 Doors, the game is entertaining and gets you really engrossed in it once it’s past the initial introduction phase. Aside from the mystery and whodunnit portions, the main story has plenty of twists and the revelation at the end is nicely done I guess. The story revolves around hope and despair and I was always wondering how the game is going to "induce maximum despair” in the characters, but they did it in the last chapter, and I must say I approve of the induced level of despair – in that it managed to live up to the theme of the game. Yet, it wasn’t as epic as 9 hours, 9 doors, 9 persons for me, partly cause some parts of the story/plot were somewhat unbelievable went unexplained, although I must say the game would have less impact or may become somewhat like a joke if they had tried to explain everything. A nice and sad photo that was posted on the thread at the end after all the horrors and pain and despair has come and gone – it’s a fitting way to end it I guess.

Now that Dangan Ronpa is over, I ‘m waiting for them to start the thread for Dangan Ronpa 2, which has been out for quite some time already. And I’m hopinh someone will do a thread for Zero Escape: Virtue’s Last Reward (sequel to 9 hours, 9 persons, 9 doors) as well, cause it’s on PSP Vita and I can't play it myself. And after what seems like forrever, OG2 is coming out end of this month!

I just have to get rid of this stupid 3217 website and folder assignments, finish the painful pseudo-CP for 3217, study Film Art, and smooth out all the kinks in CP, and I can start my holidays proper…

LOCKED UP

I always hate it when I make stupid mistakes and create trouble/problems for other people. Although I didn’t do it on purpose and strictly speaking it’s not that big a deal, but it doesn’t make the consequences any easier to deal with.

I see the implications and the guilt hanging all around me and it totally wreck my “overdrive” mood, when I felt like I could just go into overdrive and get all the work done properly.

It’s like being locked in a room with the key in my hands, but I can’t bring myself to unlock that door cause it’s too easy. And I think madness is an easier cure but I’m properly much too sane for that.

And the irony was that I was watching Code Geass and getting really irritated by some of the stupid characters and their silly mistakes with catastrophic consequences. And here I am trying to get past myself and stop dwelling upon my mistakes.

And in the end I guess it can only be a waiting game, when I’m just waiting for time to erase the walls for me.

如果我相信

我相信 当一个很想想幸福的人 也必须是一个能让人幸福的人

THE JAPANESE KIND OF TWISTS

Soumatou Kabushikigaisha - One of the Japanese drama that I started watching today. It’s 4 episodes in and each episode is only about 30min so it’s just right for my attention span. Essentially, it’s about this mysterious company which allows you to review your entire life from birth onwards. All these are recorded on dvds such that there’s one for every year of your life. From Ep 2 onwards, we find out that we can actually view other people’s records as long as we share a connection with that other person, which provides more room for plot development. Each episode is one complete story where the main character will stumble across this company and the things that happen after they stumble across the company.

Ep 1: What happens when you realize your psychotic “mother” stole you from your actual mother when you were a baby

Ep 2: What happens when you try to trace the identity of a stalker from your high school/college days

Ep 3: What happens when you are cursed by a fatal prophecy from a cult village

Ep 4: What happens when you accidentally bump into a friend of your dead father

Essentially, all of them had bad endings that reminds me of certain Japanese games like corpse party, 9 persons 9 doors 9 hours, Higurashi etc. which have plenty of those WTF moments/many bad endings with 1 true ending that will probably not end like a fairy tale. Out of the 4 episodes above, only Ep 4 ended on a slightly happier note, although it’s really not prefect as well. Ep 1 was very well done to draw viewers in and the suspense at the end was really good. Ep 2 was quite predictable and Ep 3 was a surprising change from 1 and 2, and it felt like I was watching some silent hill/fatal frame game for some parts.

I’m also watching Thursday Theater Keigo Higashino Mystery. It started off quite well but seems to be getting less interesting in the last few episodes. Each episode focus on a mystery story with a twist, and there’s apparently another story running parallel to the stories as each episode will start off with the dead narrator and the events that are taking place after his death before moving into the story for that episode.

AFTER A WORTHWHILE DETOUR

And it’s finally my the end of my internship with Redworks!

Based on my original job scope and what I actually did, its not surprising that I don’t feel very useful at times. They really don’t need to get an uni student to upload files into the system for them. But I did get to do some account servicing work here and there, and I guess it’s still a good experience for me, although I have limited successes in it. Work wise, it really doesn’t seem to be very interesting or satisfying.

However, I must say I really like the people there. Although I’m not particularly close to many of them, but I really think most of them are nice and fun people who can work and play equally well. They seem to be very balanced and well grounded, so I guess they can enjoy what they are doing, despite the ever-so-often moments of stress/shit and what not. Sometimes I do envy them cause it seems so easy for them to get together based on a common interest and have fun together, and how randomly we have a band drummer, a lyricist, a music producer, not-too-bad singers, lots of people who can play music all in the same place, so they can just come together randomly to form an impromptu band, do some jamming, and I think they are being asked to perform at some company event later on this month. And I like that sense of mutual understanding, at least where music or whichever area of interest is concerned, although it may be a different thing when it comes to work haha.

Putting aside the fact that this is like a level 1000 internship, that I can’t help but think that my 3-months-long internship could have been much more fruitful elsewhere, that I was bored and practically wasting each day away towards the end of the internship, I think I got some insights into how a design company and how advertising generally works, and I’m probably going to have to re-evaluate my career-options, and I did meet some amazingly talented friends as well.

I think I will miss sitting between Takai and Dennis -  listening to all the interesting experiences of Takai, and trying to get by but at the same time, being highly amused by the crap from Dennis, and just watching them banter among themselves haha. 

And after all that, it’s time to head back to school.

TRANSITING FROM ONE TO ANOTHER

Internship is ending in about exactly 1 weeks’ time! I have been rather slack and “avoiding” additional works lately, so I guess it’s good that it’s finally ending.

Today is the start of CORS round 1A! This is the most stressful CORS for me since start of Uni. Oh hindsight, I really should have dumped more points into the mods but well, we will see when results are out in about am hour’s time. And I also have to help Weiren plan and allocate his very limited points, which definitely make things a lot more stressful. To make things worse, he’s actually uncontactable due to reservist, so I basically guessed and assumed lots of things for him, and hopefully he won’t kill me for that. And I was quite drained (the kind after an unusually intense activity) after that. I had some “post-bidding dissonance” as well but I felt better later after plugging into some comfort songs haha. That said, I hope I don’t have to go for round 1B tomorrow.

CP/FSP has started! We got a project with Tambyah and sometimes I wonder if it will turn out fine. Nothing much about the project is concrete at this point so I hope it gets better and clearer once everything is sorted out and under way.

And the slew of Commencement and Convocation photos on fb- it scares me to think about what mine will be like.

ACCEPT

有些事自己知道就好

不用去确认也不想去了解

我才可以accept

有些话 思索太久 放着太久

反而更加写不出

太复杂麻烦的思绪

很累

所以就这样accept 也许好过一点

长镜头

Despite not having any work to do, I am significantly more productive in the office this week =)

A song I discovered while tuning in to radio during work:

长镜头

看得见彩虹 我们却都看不见风
於是爱看风筝被操弄
满足好奇的瞳孔
突然间轰隆 倒也是仁慈的一种
不忍心看风筝被摆弄
雨季总那灱有系统

看得见彩虹 我们却都看不见风
蛮横是爱结束的帮凶
我们当时还不懂
突然的重逢 倒也是仁慈的一种
总算能换个纬度想通
我感激缘份这系统

喔 长镜头
我们的回忆没拍下太多泪流
只有凉风蓝海和沙丘
到哪天碰头
你轻巧回避我荒谬的旧伤口
故事结构 就不必追究

A MOMENT OF MOMENT

Its when I sit there and wonder what else to do

Its when I put the tip of the pen against the paper and didn’t know what to write/draw

Its when I put forth a contradictory statement and frown

Its when I hear of all the things I have missed

Its when you try to measure the distance between expectations and reality

Its when I lost a smile, ever so briefly, momentarily

Its when I notice the rays of the afternoon sun falling on the keyboard and the table

“when minutes become hours
when days become years”