NOTHING REALLY

Haizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Nothing really, just wanted to let out a long sigh, haha.

心情有点平静。

也没什麽，总觉得自己在这段期间好像想通，并领悟了什麽似的。

至于是什麽，我自己也说不上来，只能说那感觉很清楚却又很模糊。

Actually I’m stuck here for quite a while now, cause I’m at a loss as to what I should be writing about. It’s like there’s something but I can’t pen it down definitely in black and white. And I wonder why in the world I’m blogging when I’m not sure what’s the exact thing I want to blog about. But I suspect I’ll come across something when I’m trying to put it down into words.

我觉得它带有一种肯定，像是我确认了什麽。

我很清楚地知道，这段时间所经历的一切，给我的是个什麽样的结论，但我不知道它是否就是那个领悟。

This is like thinking aloud haha. And I have a feeling it is not going to produce any results and I’m not going to have a conclusion at the end of this post, probably I will just end it abruptly haha. I’m wasting my time here, not like I have anything else better to waste my time on right now.

也许找到答案之后也不会改变什麽。

也许找到了之后也仍然无视地看过。

也许领悟了之后也仍然无奈地走过。

也许有些事情本来就不该去弄清楚。

或许它模糊不清是因为我害怕那视而不见，听而不闻的无奈。

所以我想等。

等待哪一天我准备好了以后才让我有那恍然大悟的感动 痛楚。

Haizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Nothing really, I feel as if I just wasted quite alot of my time, haha.

PERKY!

I was stunned for a when i saw it. It was like i had totally given up on getting any form scholarship/award for my first year and then I saw the email from NUS today!

I managed to get myself a scholarship/award slot! They weren’t exactly very clear in the email, but it can be either a faculty scholarship or award. Either way, I’m already satisfied even if it just cover my tuition fees alone.

And i was like quite sure I wouldn’t make the mark after the NUS scholarship interview. I remember that right after it, I was already complaining to people that I did badly in the interview and that I have no chance to get it at all. But then, somehow or another, I actually got it! I don’t know how and I don’t know why and I’m not sure if I want to know, haha.

I think that moment was like priceless. I was like so excited and relieved haha. Its like I tried and waited for 3 years for this. Now that I don’t have to worry myself over my tuition fees anymore, it feels like anything and everything will go well from here (although i figure that that’s not gonna happen, but still, I’m feeling perky and good now). After the bout of down feelings recently, I’m starting to feel perky and hopeful recently. I hope it’s a sign of good things to come. And I’m really fawning over the word “perky”. It has such a nice ring to it haha.

For a long time, I guess I really needed some good news or something good to happen to me, and I guess this is what I’ve been hoping for =) Its one of the many “hopes” I’m harbouring nowadays and Its so amazing I can actually get something of mine fulfilled and on track =)

<<倒影>>

There are some days when i just want to do something for myself.

Even if its not practical, even if its not socially-approved, even if its against every other person’s expectations, I just need to do it for myself. Even though i thought i have finally decided, when i realise that I’m just that different and I see where this difference is heading me, I feel quite apprehensive. Then i paused and start to think again, wondering whether i can really go through everything, in accordance to what I felt.

<<倒影>>

真实中的我们

遗忘了纯白 多了那些包袱

超载的那份情感

你是我期许中的不愿

倒影中的我们

脱离了真实  少了那些激烈

剩下的那份柔和

你是我生命中的期许

 

你的世界是幻影

不用规律的背景

不用抉择的后果

为了你 我想我也一直很努力

你的世界是真实

跨不出时间的框

解不开生活的锁

为了你 我是你所依赖的幻影

 

当尘埃覆盖了镜中的幻影

当落叶划破了水中的倒影

理智却唤回了沉浮的心灵

 

（请你一定要比我幸福）

THE NEXT EMO SONG

I couldn’t help but crown this as the latest emo song haha. It was like omg when i heard the lyrics at first (heard cause I listened to it without looking at the lyrics first). On second thoughts, now I’m not too sure whether it should be included in the category of “emo” songs. Its certainly sad but “emo” is hardly the correct word to describe the protagonist in the song. Oh well, in any case, it’s still a nice song for me to keep looping. I’m one of those who wouldn’t get sick of looping the same song the entire day, probably after a few days later or until some other songs come up to distract me haha.

<<如果我变成回忆>>

累了 照惯例努力清醒着
也照惯例想你了
好怕一放心睡了
心跳在梦中 不听话的 就停止了

听着 呼吸像浪潮摆动着
越美丽越让我忐忑
我还能珍惜什么
如果我连自己的脉搏 都难掌握

如果我变成回忆 退出了这场生命
留下你错愕哭泣
我冰冷身体 拥抱不了你
想到我让深爱的你人海孤独旅行
我会恨自己 如此狠心

如果我变成回忆 终于没那么幸运
没机会白着头发
蹒跚牵着你 槛门上搂紧
漫长时光总有一天你会伤心痊愈
若有人可以 让他陪你 我不怪你

快乐 什么时候会结束呢
哪一刻是最后一刻
想把你紧紧抱着
可知你是我生命中的 最舍不得

如果我变成回忆 退出了这场生命
留下你错愕哭泣
我冰冷身体 拥抱不了你
想到我让深爱的你人海孤独旅行
我会恨自己 如此狠心

如果我变成回忆 终于没那么幸运
没机会白着头发
蹒跚牵着你 槛门上搂紧
漫长时光总有一天你会伤心痊愈
若有人可以 让他陪你

如果我变成回忆 最怕我太不通气
顽固的赖在空气 霸占你心里 每一寸空隙
要让依然爱我的你痛苦承受失去
这样不公平 请你尽力 把我忘记