AT THE END OF 2010

2010 has been a very nice year. I think there were quite a few surprizes along the way and while it wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t all that bad either haha.

I have been “dragged out” for a number of outings and stuff these holidays and it has been a good while since i have been so busy. In a way, its nice although I’m still complaining and what not when things get a little complicated/irritating along the way. Sometimes, I can’t help but feel that I’m being unpleasant and giving attitude problems haha.  But, its nice to know that somehow (I have no idea why or how), there are people who remember and bother. And for that, I must try to be more appreciative of what I have right now.
Its been really long since I found another good friend to hang out with. I must admit that the prospect of having a semester buddy didn’t really seem that promising initially but it turned out much better than I predicted. We’re total opposites in terms of interest and lifestyle but I think we do share similar beliefs and mindsets about certain things, and probably that’s how we manage to get along haha. I have been a most uptight person for ages and I do believe that up to now, I told him the most about myself, which may not be a good thing actually haha. Many of us are going for exchange next semester and I do believe a lot will change, and a lot has and is changing after the semester has ended. I would like to and will try to believe that I was wrong for expecting a limit or an end to everything.

BUT STILL, I cannot help but get irritated when Kbox is having $6 nett promotion and I cannot find people to go with! The people around me are either very english or non-K, and it is quite sianz to go with people who sing english songs while I’m the only one who’s updated on Chinese songs, sigh.

And I read this book which says that all of us are born with a specific 命盘 (chosen by your very own dear soul right at the start) and everything that is and happen to us are predetermined by it. Supposedly, it is useless to go against fate, but we can affect its effects on us by learning to 顺势而行 and training ourselves to accept and deal with it.  It makes quite a lot of sense to me but I think 我想继续执着。2010 has been an important and memorable year, cause it’s the start of many nice things. And in 2011, I will have to put in a lot of hard work to change and work my way through, to keep what I want and set aside unnecessary burdens.  And I will worry about the many efforts and changes and their consequences, like when you realize that your actions have dire consequences and that in many instances, there’s no chance for  a retake.

如果我不愿接受，也不愿放开，未来是不是会为了我而改变?

And I think 2011 will be an exciting year indeed haha.
Happy New Year!

可不可以

This past month has been quite painful to go through. I was quite lost and confused by certain people and I really didn’t know how to go about handling it. I was quite vexed, uncertain, confused, lost, irritated and to top it all off, it doesn’t even involve me. Okay, maybe I was involved in many ways but I am certainly not the crux of the issue. And I finally clarified it today, partly cause I couldn’t really take it anymore, but also because I needed to know my role. At least now I have a better feel and understanding of where things are heading and my part to play in it. But then again, this came at a time when I felt the need to go into hibernation. sigh.

And I really 郑可为’s 可不可以. It has a really amazing bridge that makes me feel like I’m being stabbed right in the heart. That sounds a little graphic and wrong but I really like that bridge.

终于发现抵抗会更难  内心的呼唤不该隐藏
所以拥抱影子  转身背着阳光
沉沦一分钟的绝望  却还坚信 this too shall pass

郑可为 - 可不可以

And before I forget, Merry Christmas.

他们在毕业的前一天爆炸

This is one of those “don’t really know what to write but insist on blogging” post.

The days are passing faster now. And I seem to have some difficulty getting myself excited about many things. Even SEP seems a little troublesome and a little vexing at times, when there’s still quite abit to prepare and so much uncertainty ahead.

Life sucks during these down periods but at least I have a nice but short 5-ep drama to look forward to. Ep 1 and 2 just came out but I watched ep 1 already when they officially released it on youtube before it was shown on TV (which I think is quite a smart move to increase exposure and popularity). 

他们在毕业的前一天爆炸

Sometimes its so difficult for me to go ahead and justify lots of things, so much so that I feel like giving up at times. And each time, I will convince myself to move forward and press on, but it doesn’t help that I know how unconvinced I really am.

Sigh.

酷酷画 ON 勇气

I came across this in 早报 today and I thought I should post part of  it down here. They always have this 酷酷画 section with nice thoughtful stuff every Sunday and its about the only section I really like in the newspapers haha.

如果这一刻力求平静，就需要勇气和平常心，像秋天落叶。

从决定跃身坠下那一刻起，无论是宿命还是选择使然，都需要学习骑风顺势，哪怕在风中抽泣，落姿必得最后的满分。

着地以后，想飞的蓄势待发也许没有削弱；于是潜伏，耐心地等待下一阵，也许不会再发生的狂刮。

勇气，向来就是超越这种恐惧，无知以及自我的，义无反顾的决心。

昨天跟你借的幸福

a song I picked up recently =)

FIREFLIES

Its been so long since my last entry!

It has been really hectic recently. I hate it when I have to start mugging while there’s new lectures and tutorials to catch up with every week. I’m actually quite worried about my results for this semester, ever since I screwed up my MA midterms (which I still don’t really understand how). Hopefully trying to mug hard will produce some satisfactory results.

That aside, there’s still lots of things to settle for my SEP. The dateline is 15th Nov but there’s will quite a lot to decide – departure dates and flights, accommodation, which modules to take, arrangements for expenses and so on! But it looks like we (the 5 of us going to Copenhagen together) are finally going to meet up next week. Haha, apart from discussing and hopefully settling all the above issues, I think it will be an interesting first meeting. Kwong Yuan suggested that we should have co-ordinated more during application so that we can go with people we know during exchange, but right now, I still have doubts whether I wanted or will want that to be the case. I think I can probably come to a conclusion by the end of the first meeting haha.

I think we said and discussed a lot this semester. For all that is and isn’t, I think its nice.

因为看不清楚  因为模糊  因为距离  所以灿烂

我也不想解释些什么

There are days when I feel like the whole world owes me, that somehow I should deserve more. But I know and I’m sure that this is not necessarily true.

But just as the world does not owe me anything, I can also choose not to justify my emotions to the rest of the world. 

为所拥有而狂欢   为所失去而悲伤  为曾经拥有而怀念  为不曾拥有而悔恨 

就让我疯狂，挥霍与沉溺 

世界不需要为我而停留  我也不需要为它解释着什么

寂寞寂寞就好

Looping this song over and over again haha. I think the MV is really nicely done. I like how they portray the emotional landscape and also how some of the shots are composed with all the right colours and objects. The transition between scenes and “moments” is also excellent! The only thing I have issues with is the appearance of some highly unrealistic eyes halfway through the video haha. I have been hunting all over youtube for a HD version of the MV but all the HD ones are too soft so I have to settle for this not-as-nice quality video with loud-enough audio.

And I have to remember not to over-indulge. Or can I?

THE RAIN AND THE LAMP POST

Although I’m probably biased, I can’t help but think that biz students are still the best people to have in your project group, but its probably just my unsatisfactory project group encounters with students from the other faculties thus far. And the midst of all the disappointments and accidents, I still want this semester to start well so I will probably have to work harder to make everything work out. I feel sianz just thinking about it but that’s just the way things are.

I was getting off the bus yesterday night when I happened to see the outline of the falling rain against the glow of the street lamps. I wanted to take a picture of that haha, but my phone was running flat so I had to give up on the idea. The closest I could find to that is this picture of raindrops against a glass pane but its still quite different I guess. I thought that I like going home on a rainy day, as long as I don’t have to wade through rain and mud to get where I’m going.

10-10-10

I went to the library recently and came back with a few promising books, one of which was actually this decision-making book talking about the “10-10-10” method. Basically 10-10-10 means 10minutes, 10months and 10 years, so the book suggests that we can phrase our doubts and dilemma into a yes or no questions, then consider the pros and cons/consequences of our actions in 10minutes, 10months and 10years (arbitral figures to represent immediate, inter-mediate and distant futures btw). Then there’s this additional part about knowing our own values and ideals so that you can use them to weigh and make better judgment after churning out all the consequences. Actually, I think many of us are already doing it partially or unconsciously but the book just makes it clearer and more useful by conceptualizing it into a proper idea. Most of us tend to give considerations to the immediate consequences of our words and actions but not many will go as far to account for the distant future as well. And the bit about knowing yourself and your own values and dreams part is quite useful too, cause we don’t really think so much during our day-to-day routines. Knowing about it is one thing but I can’t really imagine myself consciously doing 10-10-10 everytime cause I don’t think I have the mental discipline to make it into a habit haha. Hopefully I will remember it when I need to deal with the bigger problems/decisions in my way.

School has started! But I only went to school twice this week cause national day holiday on monday got rid of 3 of my lectures haha. And I am attempting to squeeze everything into a 3 days week, that is if I successfully get all my tutorial slots. Results will be out tomorrow night and I think I will have a nightmare if I need to readjust and replan my timetable haha.

IN MY IDLENESS

I changed my blog layout! Partly cause I was extremely free this week and I didn’t really want to idle around online so I went to mess around with my blog. My previous one was really too narrow and it was difficult to read or post longer entries without elongating  everything. I couldn’t adjust the width as well so I thought I might as well do an overhaul and replace it with something new. This was actually done using blogspot’s new template design capability cause I had given up on trying to find a suitable blogskin from blogskins.com. Overall, I’m quite happy with my new layout although I still think the main display picture is still a little off. Its quite difficult to find an appropriate picture that can blend in with the background. And I got rid of the tagboard as well. I thought of expanding my profile information and also trying out some other blog gadgets/tweaks but never got round to doing it haha.

And I suddenly find myself playing Hotel Giant 2! It seems really fun at first cause you get to design and decorate all the hotels and rooms to your liking but as I progressed through the tutorial, its becoming more and more taxing on the brain haha. Pretty much like how they build mazes and cities in Inception except here its all lobbies and rooms and bathrooms. The taxing stuff comes in later with all the financial reports, marketing research and etc, at which point I saved and exited the game before I start getting overwhelmed haha. I shall take a break today and attempt to return to it tomorrow. And it reminds me of the times when we used to talk about opening hotels/resorts and we can like get everyone to come and work together since everyone is studying/specializing in different areas haha. I can help with the layout of the rooms and although I’m a Biz student, I would prefer to give all the management stuff a miss haha.

3 more days to the 1st day of school! I am really dreading all the administrative work, like buying/selling of textbooks, matching timetables and balloting for ALL my tutorial slots! I think I will have a nightmare when balloting for my tutorials, seeing how most people will already have pre-allocated tutorial slots for biz modules and there will probably be really limited slots left for us to ballot for. As of now, I don’t really have the motivation to work through all these things yet haha. Although this has been quite a long holiday, but as I told kwong yuan, I’m bored but content. I’m not sianz of being bored and its also true that I don’t have to urge/desire to go out or do stuff. Its more like idling, when I can just switch off my brain and do things in accordance to my mood and emotions. If school time is like being in control of myself, how i think and act in order to TRY to do well in school, then maybe this period of time is like being out-of-control (in the sense that I don’t need to control anything, things are just there as and when they happen). But annoyingly, there are still a few post-FOC things at the back of my mind and these small little disturbances are quite irritating cause I can’t do anything but wait for other people to settle their responsibilities before I can do my part.

Oh and I really should get down to buying my samsung yp-m1 which I have been eyeing for quite sometime now, but I haven’t come to terms with the $360 price tag attached to it. While everyone is busy changing and upgrading to the latest smart phones, I’m still toying around with mp3 player or PMP (portable media player) as they call it nowadays haha. But that’s really just me =)

INCEPTION

And I finally watched Inception! Not alone cause I went to watch it with kwong yuan and shihui and I must say the movie is nice! It was really engaging and finally there’s a movie with some depth to its characters and plot. I still watch all the action flicks and what not, but they simply aren’t as fun as Inception. Granted I don’t really get some of the more technical bits of the movie but its okay for me haha cause I’m not really someone who obsesses over some incomprehensible “hows” parts in the movie.

Inception aside, I’m starting to lose it again! I think I went out a little too much this week so yeah, perpetual exposure to people is killing my brain. Okay, I’m not sure what kind of sentence is that but i just feel like writing it. My charge time seems to be getting shorter and shorter or maybe i didn’t really charge properly this time round haha. I’m rambling.

1 WEEK MORE BEFORE YEAR 2 SEM 1 STARTS

And this is my latest obsession! Although its only a partial song, its already looping itself on my computer. The singer is apparently some unknown fellow called Bii but he sounds really promising to me =)

After being out for 4 days consecutively, I think its about time I start hibernating at home and atone for all the excessive spending. But I really really need to watch Inception before that! I think I will never forgive myself if I actually miss catching it. Sigh, but its so hard to find people who haven’t watched it yet. Worse come to worse, I probably have to watch it alone since I’m so desperate. Hmm that sounds lonely but quite cool haha. Oh well, we will see how it goes.

I went through and cleared up all the inactive blog links. And really, that’s all that’s left. Kind of sad but it’s only natural to move on, I guess.

WHEN NOTHING ADDS UP

OMG! Marvelous me failed my stupid ippt and it doesn’t look like i have any time left to train and pass again before my birthday => 20 sessions of RT coming right up! There are times when I really hate being Singaporean =(

So in the end, the results just show that I didn’t train hard enough. That’s a lesson for me to learn so I should start looking into “alternative measures” come next year.

Sometimes I wonder how far or how long do I have to continue trying before it’s okay to give up and take alternatives. But really, I always felt that its more for the people around than me myself - so how far or how long do I have to go before they will think that it’s okay for me to move into alternatives. Therefore, I always wanted to aim for a life without obligations/expectations. But then its just my ideal outlook and probably will not happen.

ICT coming right up from 12 to 17 July and it means I will have to spend my birthday in camp. I secretly hopes nobody (within camp) remembers my birthday. Really, I rather have some peaceful time to myself!

也许你会认为  有选择性的执着只是自私与虚伪的借口  但我想让它成为我一生的借口

FOR FOC 2010

And its the end of FOC 2020! (I refuse to call it Business Camp cause we started off with FOC and it sounds more 亲切 than Business Camp haha) Although there were various hiccups and imperfections during the camp, I’m glad it went quite well and I really think it was a much better camp than last year’s haha =) FOC 2010 rocks!

Day 1

Basically we just gave out the goodie bags and stand around/ help for the sponsorship talks in the morning. After that I was station master for a station game “ Apple of My Eye”. Basically they had to go in pairs and look for mentos in a basin of flour using their mouths only. They will then spin rounds before trying to take a bite from a hanging apple. I was doing the flour part which was quite gross/messy at times haha. Towards the end, it was just like trying to chase away all the cheating freshies and OGLs who are trying to poke their way through to find the mentos beforehand. It was seriously difficult to juggle with so many people around all the time and after a while I just close one eye and let it pass haha. Afterall the highlight of the game was the apple part, which produced quite a lot of epic funny moments haha. At night was SP stuff and Treasure Hunt, where I just walked around taking random photos for my post-event report. I went in as a fake SP at some point of time cause they didn’t have enough guys and apparently I was so irritating that the girl was super disturbed haha. Oh well, I was meant to be rejected anyway haha.

Day 2

Sentosa Day! Woke up super early and headed down to Sentosa on the logistics lorry cause I was a station master for one of the morning games. Actually I don’t really understand why they need the station masters to report there so early but since I’m not the one in charge, I will just leave it to the planners. I don’t particularly mind having to go there early anyway and I just slept for a bit more in the pavilion while waiting for the rest to arrive. Doing some 200 seconds game where they are supposed to spilt beans, form a line with whatever items they have and do a small human pyramid within the time limit. Its quite a slack game and more for them to take those commemorative photos while doing the pyramid. It was raining quite a bit in the morning and we had to relocate to a tentage elsewhere on palawan beach. I think many of the OGs were actually sheltering there so we were able to finish all the OGs ahead of time and went back to the base pavilion real early. Afternoon was FF revelation (which wasn’t really effective) + the usual mass dunking and beach games. I wasn’t involved in beach games so it was the usual take photos etc. Oh and we were busy for a while taking the required photos for our sponsors but we kinda “cheated” cause Sentosa side didn’t allow us to put up banners or anything. At least they were done convincingly enough haha. Night was SP again and supper back in school.

Day 3

Pool games in the morning. I was doing Saw VI Fest which I think is unnecessarily complicated and difficult game to manage. The first 2 games were quite messed up but it got better after that cause we became more experienced with explaining and stuff after the 2 games haha. I got dunked in the pool after that and had to go back to Biz wet cause I didn’t bring change of clothes or anything =X Imovie lesson and movie-making was in the afternoon and it was super tiresome and irritating. We had to start real late cause the Dean came really late. The freshies doesn’t seem appreciative of the event also and there were all sort of logistics issues like lack of memory card readers, cables, thumbdrives etc. to transfer their videos/photos, even though I already told all the seniors to prepare cables and card readers and whatever things they need for the event. And they just cannot keep to the timings and there was a huge delay trying to find and pass message to all of them. In the end, we over-ran by about 1h and lots of them didn’t finish their videos. We had to ask the sapura people (distributor of apple pdts in singapore) to help us export and burn the videos then pass them back to us the next day. I think it made us seem really inefficient and substandard really but there wasn’t much I could do to salvage things. At night was SP revelation with all the gross horrible forfeits imposed by some sadistic deprived OGLs/seniors (my opinion) and after that “SP Walk”. I don’t think I should talk too much about the walk haha but i was involved in it also. It was quite fun for a while but after you do it for like too many times, you get tired and sianz and it doesn’t help that I was like stationed by myself in the corridor haha. But I thought that the freshies were really like into it and they were really bonding together haha – like its one of the shared memorable things/experience that they can talk about afterwards.

Day 4

Slack the whole day. The skits were substandard (as always) and I did the cheerfight with the rest although we were really late and panicking/running like mad to join up with rest haha. I ended up in the front row but yeah haha it was erm… strangely cohesive doing it with everyone although nobody really thinks its that cool/fun haha. After that changed into our clothes for timbre. We were doing this cowboy theme for the finance dept and I was like FAILZ. The stupid hat (cost me $15 btw) was too big for me and I seriously look quite retarded in it. I ditched it after a while and just left it on the table haha. So it was all unglam photos during timbre that night for me and I’m still considering whether I want to upload my side of the photos. Since I can’t control the pictures in other people’s camera, I may as well try to minimize the damage by not uploading my photos haha. As for the programmes at Timbre night, i thought some of it were unnecessarily long and stupid again and i think the way they decided on the winner was seriously lame (in the end it feels like the emcees decide on the winners themselves?) The ordering of the prizes seem a bit screwed up as well – like 4th place was 20 x 1 free yoghurt vouchers? I thought even the last few prizes of random hampers of snacks and goodies were better than the vouchers. Then again, I’m not in charge of this so I don’t really want to interfere that much haha. After that we did the bizad medley and MC took some photos together =) We headed back to school after that to pack up some of our stuff and we were like pushing all the extra vouchers and stuff to everyone so now all of us have stacks of leftover discount vouchers (most of them useless to us). Went home after that and I actually slept without bothering to bathe cause I was too tired haha.

MISC Ramblings

I joined FOC because I thought (I really did) that it would be fun to help to organise a camp with other like-minded people. Another equally important reason was that I wanted to do something for myself so that my resume wouldn’t look that sad. I also wanted to find something for me to go and chiong, to go and 疯 for myself (much like how I went to India during my NS days). I’m proud to say I think I met all my aims above, although some wasn’t that complete.

When I first form my own sponsors committee, it was really more like trying to drag in people cause my committee wasn’t those kind of “hot popular” committee that other people would want to join. There were some but I was really more in favour of working with people I know (ie. my own alum group people/clique) So I “persuades/forced” some of my friends to join, thinking that we would all have a fun time and they will start to see the fun in FOC sooner or later. Other than that, I also had 2 other committee members – one selected from interview and one attached over from Bizad Club (he’s a total failure by the way). It was seriously hard work trying to get them to work cause some of them didn’t have the needed motivation and mindset and I just gave up on them halfway. If I had really made a mistake by making them join my committee, and if I can’t undo my mistake in any way possible, I told myself I can just take it with me and carry on to finish the job. Even if it means I have to take over and settle everything myself, I really wanted to do my best and finish this sponsorship job. It was really stressful and depressing for a while cause so many things were happening and I really couldn’t find it in me to go on and keep trying my best. One way or another, I got through it and I think things became better cause they manage to find some “meaning/reason” to continue on in FOC main comm. I think it came in the form of the marketing committee (the other branch of the finance department). Cause they were all the gossipy, chit chatty and kaypo girls who likes to gossip and HTHT and find out more about you to create scandals and what not. I think they were lively enough to make things more interesting for some of the people in my committee. I was more work orientated and having difficulties coming to terms with some of them for a while so perhaps they had fun interacting with the mkt comm people. And as it always is, once you have some new friends, you will tend to be more willing to come down and work and all that. I couldn’t give them the reason to be part of the FOC MC but I’m really really glad that they managed to find some sort of reason for themselves. Even if they just want to play and have fun, I guess its better than they totally depise/put down the FOC main comm. Nonetheless, I’m really grateful to them for being with me in the committee. Even if it doesn’t stand for much, I’m glad we made it through together.

As for the marketing comm, I was really quite relieved when our 2 committees became closer and started to interact more with one another. But towards the end of the actual FOC, I was getting more and more irritated and put off by them. Cause they are those kind that can’t seem to stop irritating me with their self-assuming nonsense and non-stop make-a-joke-of-you antics. I think abit here and there is okay but you really don’t have to do it every single time throughout the entire camp. I was so pissed with them for a while on the 3rd day that I had to remove myself from the LT and go sulk in the SR by myself to cool down. I really didn’t want to spoil the camp mood and make everything awkward for the rest of the camp. I was like ignoring their taunts and antics and giving them zero response as a hint that I am not appreciative of their nonsense but its either they don’t get it or they just assume I will be okay with it. It doesn’t help that our comm have plenty of chances to stick together throughout the whole camp =( But if you say the problem lies with me actually, i think it may be true also cause I’m really the kind of person who hates just about everybody =X

BUT as expected, I felt really happy and proud during the last day and at the end of the camp. It was like all our hardwork was really worth it and I didn’t stress/depress/angst so much for nothing. There was something there and we were all part of it. There may be many imperfections but I really think I tried very hard this time round =) I devoted alot of time and effort into this FOC haha and now I just want to hang back and be by myself for a little while. But probably need to wait a while more before I can totally remove myself cause I still have quite a bit of tidying up/ confirmation work to do =(

Okay, this entry is far too long so I shall just stop here. And yup its the end of FOC and i think now I can stop trying to be who I’m really not.

AFTER HTHT AND HTHT

I think I have abit too many “HTHT” sessions recently that its starting to wear on me. I guess people of this age can only HTHT about love like there’s nothing else to worry about. Sometimes I wonder, how much of someone can you possibly understand by knowing who/what he likes, which xxxx is the eye-candy and so on. I used to think that I’m not really that concerned about love and I would still like to think so now. I don’t like to force things for myself because I know that in the end, I won’t be able to justify them to myself.

And I really really want to run away sometimes when I find myself being piled with all kinds of expectations. I have stopped doing things based on obligations since a while ago and I don’t really want to return to that mindless/heartless lifestyle. I do think I’m being very very selfish nowadays but I really don’t see why not. At this stage, I think I’m just living for myself. Its not entirely happy and fulfilling but its where I need to be right now, for the past if not the future.

THE CONNECTION PHASE

Recently I have been thinking I would like to be “connected” always, like how some people are perpetually facebooking about their life via their smart phones. But I realise I didn’t really want a platform that’s too open and public. Essentially I just want to keep things within a small group of friends and not everyone out there.  So obviously facebook will not do. Twitter and Tumblr sounds like it will work but I can hardly find the interest to pick it up and I believe not many people around me are using it.  And i think it will be a relatively expensive “activity” to partake in. Actually can twitting or facebking be considered a hobby? haha I actually thought of using “past-time / hobby” to describe it but it didn’t really feel right. I think I still have a long way to go before I can pick it up.

After hearing so much hype and what not about 艋舺, i finally finished watched it today. I agree that there are certain scenes that are very nicely done to bring out the mood and underlying themes but I think the script is rather haphazard towards the end. And I cannot help but think that some of the characters inside are dumb or retarded. Pretty much like how I cannot appreciate some of the characters in FF13. I can’t help but keep judging people when they do things brainlessly haha.

For some reason, one of the sponsors for FOC (the name, contact person and their sponsored items) seem awfully familiar although I cannot quite place it. I seriously cannot remember where and when I would have come across them before. Probably one of those random sensations in life. Anyway, about 3 more weeks to FOC! I foresee more troubles ahead but we will just have to make it through, won’t we?

OVERDRIVING!

OMG!

I feel short-circuited and crazy now! not exactly in a negative sense but there’s bits of it in there as well. And I’m not sure what to do about it haha.

This past week has been full of bombshells everyday, mainly due to FOC but there are other issues as well. And now I’ve gotten myself involved in doing some flash mob for YOG. It sounds ridiculously crazy but part of me do actually think it may be quite fun. But of course, things just go downhill when stuff like obligations and choice comes into the picture. I’m probably gonna lose some more sleep for the next few nights cause my mind is like in overdrive all the time. There’s too many things running through my head and I keep getting excited (both negatively and positively) over things. I’m not even sure if I slept at all during Fri night or I just closed my eyes throughout the whole time. Sat night was much better cause there was a rainstorm and it was nice and cold to snuggle in. And maybe to make up for Fri night, I slept until like 1230 today.

And I’m going kite-flying tomorrow! I’m quite excited about it actually so I hope it doesn’t backfire tomorrow. I have a feeling I am going to like marina barrage alot though i haven’t really been there yet haha. I hope I can find some nice quiet time for a break there to clear out my thoughts but looking at the crowd tomorrow, it may just be a little hard. AND IT BETTER NOT RAIN!

I absolutely refuse to listen to all the new Jay Chou songs flooding haoting and facebook and youtube right now. Cause I’m still waiting for my pre-ordered cd to arrive and its taking a really really long time. From bits of comments I have read so far, it seems promising but I should reserve my judgement until then.

Sigh. I think i do need a little help to stop “overdriving”.

I AM SO GONNA HATE RE-SERVICE

I hate going out with people that makes me feel 莫名其妙. And they just go on and on and on about lame stuff that’s neither funny nor entertaining. I must admit that maybe I’m really the one who’s not fitting in, but it gets on my nerves when I find myself having to patronize them consistently. As much as possible, I have been trying to avoid outings like this but its annoying that I have to “interact” cause supposedly we will still be seeing and working with one another during re-service. Army wasn’t exactly fulfilling for me cause i always find myself in the midst of un-likeminded people who share nothing much in common with me. Okay, probably I’m the uncommon one but still, its still excruciatingly hard to connect with them. I always get the feeling like we are on different levels entirely and its real tiring trying to fit in with their childish and unbothered mindset. And I can’t seem to escape from this lousy arrangement =(

Alot of it is probably from my perspective and prone to biasness and untruth but that’s essentially how I feel.

That is why I’m dreading re-service when my non-ns friend (but same re-service unit as me) is looking forward to meeting his old friends and such.

Sometimes, I really hate to be me. sigh.

棉花糖 - 再见王子

再见王子 is the latest song that I am looping nonstop. Although I must say its the first time I heard of 棉花糖 haha.

And i obviously prefer this over Jay Chou’s 超人不会飞, which i haven’t really gone back to listen after hearing it 2 or 3 times. But then i pre-ordered his album again! haha although I was telling myself not to do so but i thought it would be cool to have like “badges?” of his past albums. And its nice to have this kind of “cheap thrill” to brighten up things once in a while. That said, the album better be good, then maybe I will feel a greater urge/itch to go for his concert (but tickets will probably be gone by then haha).

1 more subject, 2 more days to go!

ANGEL BEATS! - MY SONG

This song comes from Angel Beats!, which i think is a really nice anime, cause it has a really nice blend of everything =)

IT WAS A WARM FUZZY FEELING AND I WAS HAPPY

A nonsensical thing I did when I got bored of mugging. I took the 1st picture from elsewhere though haha.

Nonetheless, it was a warm fuzzy feeling and I was happy when people remembered me, even though we weren’t really like friends but more like “hi-bye-acquaintances”.

A LITTLE HIGHER, A LITTLE WIDER

The sky seems a little higher and wider today. I’m glad I noticed it – like the dispersed and stretched-out clouds, the random streaks in the sky, the exposed blueness and the planes cutting through quietly. And somehow I felt a little lighter and happier today. Too bad I didn’t manage to take a picture of it.

And then i suddenly wanted to start another new hobby – like going to countries all over the world and taking pictures of their nicest sky. I can like paste them on a world map or something when I come back so it will look really cool haha. Okay, its just an idea for now but I will see if I remember it some time down the road when I’m on some holiday or exchange haha.

GOD HATES ME THIS WEEK.

I have a strong that this week has been specially crafted and designed to exasperate and test my limit.

Every single thing (right down to small little seemingly insignificant coincidences) up to now has either been depressing or exasperating, more towards exasperating I must say. Exchange of words with other ppl, random topics that popped up during conversation, uncovering of some absolutely unacceptable “negligence”, failure of teamwork, irritating reliance on me for project work and even an overheard-conversation between strangers on the bus. Everything seems to be pushing me towards my limit and its only 3 days into the week!  

After I manage to escape home each day, I found myself having the urge to “destroy” things around me so that I can vent off the frustration and haplessness. Grrrrrrrr…

I HATE SELFISH PEOPLE WHO, KNOWINGLY OR UNKNOWINGLY, ONLY WANTS TO BENEFIT HIMSELF WITHOUT SPARING A THOUGHT FOR OTHERS!
It sucks even more that we are actually friends so yeah, I can never quite find the “resoluteness” to hate them through and through.

But with things the way they are now,

这些自找的麻烦，我会去承担。

即使一开始就注定是错误，该走的路，我依然想走完它。

it means I really need to work real hard from here on!

突然有种疯狂的感觉 =)

IT SEEMS LIKE AN ETERNITY

Its hard to believe CNY happened just last week. It seems really long ago cause this week took an eternity to pass for me. I was just too tired to challenge it, so I let myself watch as time slowly blundered past. It was painful at times but I couldn’t really bring myself to “optimize”  and “pysch myself up”. I ended up pushing everything out of my mind so all I needed to keep up was a blank unfocused look. It made things much easier cause then I wasn’t obliged to indulge in all the socializing and stuff. I’m dreading next week because I’m scared that everything will just repeat again, at least until I get myself somewhere out of this runt.

And then while trying to take breaks here and there during my mugging, I ended up watching Magararenai Onna and I couldn’t stopped watching after that cause it was amazingly intense. I can absolutely see how I am alike to Saki in some ways and its really a huge distraction.

At times like this, I really feel 心力交瘁, like I can just disintegrate and break apart in the wind. But at the very least, my resolve will keep me hanging on.

CNY AND STRESS AND “TALENT”

Cause its Chinese New Year! So I’m here to sweep away the cobwebs and breathe some life into this “wasting-away” blog of mine.

Chinese New Year is like getting less and less big of a thing as I continue to grow older each year. We used to like get all anxious and competitive over the amount of “ang bao” money earned but now its like I don’t really care much about it now. Okay, its a hefty amount of additional allowance but not really something I would like to waste my time fawning over. I suppose this is the trend until you are finally married and end up on the other side of the spectrum – the “losing” end that is.

There isn’t anything spectacular about CNY this year and its just the usual fanfare and humdrum for me. If anything, I must say that its a nice break, although NUS cheated us of our holidays by combining CNY breaks with recess week. And right after that, mid-terms will be coming up in about 1 week’s time so there’s really not alot of time left for me to “recollect” myself after the CNY break mood and get back into the studying mood. But I guess I will worry about that after this break haha.

Studies aside, I have been insanely stressed by sponsorship matters for FOC. I get nightmares whenever I imagine that we won’t be able to enough sponsorship and that everything is going to be screwed up and I will be responsible for it. Then I will start panicking and keep pushing my committee members to move faster (but i must really say that some of them are really in need of pushing). And I absolutely hate socializing when I’m in a stressed mode, its just one of my mood things that I have going on. Things will probably get worse as we get closer and closer to FOC and I can’t imagine how I am going to survive it haha. I really hope things will start picking up after this CNY break and things will be more smooth sailing from here on.

And I am still get insanely jealous whenever I notice really “talented” people. “Talented” because I refuse to sweep all their hardwork out of the door with the word talent, especially in cases when I’m really unsure if they are real talents or “talents” because of behind-the-scene efforts. This distinction is uber important to me because I belong to the latter group – i mean hardworking but I’m not so sure about the “talent” part haha. But to get back to the topic, I really admire those people with muscial talents/skills – like being a professional vocalist (can you imagine being called a vocalist? how cool is that haha), playing piano/guitar/other musical instrument (my expectations are low so yeah even moderate or simply knowing how to play is gd enough for me), doing super slick dances and so on. I think its cool if you have something that you are really good at. But unfortunately I still have no idea what I’m good at! They always say that everyone is good at something but erm, I’m still trying my best to believe in it haha. So at times like this, I will wish that I’m actually in the talented group so I won’t have to work so hard just to try to do things that I like. I must admit that I like to think sometimes having the efforts is enough, so sometimes I just stop at efforts without going further. But as we all know it, life demands much more than that most of the time so I tend to get tired real fast trying to catch up. At least that’s how things are like now, but I still hoping that after my next 10 years, life will be easier down the road =)

SOME NEEDED MOTIVATION

All the exchange programme stuff and FOC and the start of the sem have started to worn me out even though it’s barely one week since school reopened. Sometimes I just feel quite fed up when I can’t find the people who sees and values things the way that I do. Its like trying to climb up a mountain when everyone else is pushing their way down. So past a certain threshold, I just shut off and pushes everyone away, but it all goes back to normal after a day and the cycle tries to repeat itself again. That’s how I’m feeling now but I always wonder why I can’t just let myself be pushed along and just bury myself in the flow.

Among all the troubles, I did found some random outburst of motivation for myself, although I’m not sure how long this motivation fad is going to last before it starts to fade away. So I’m going to try hanging onto it as long as possible and hopefully just something good will come out from it.

2010

And its on to 2010.

And in 2009, I’m finally back to being a student.

And in 2009, its back to plodding through life as we know it to be.

And in 2010, we’re just going forward, looking and searching for what’s out there.

And in 2010, its just only the same, except its a year richer than 2009.

At least I am.

=)